How To Comfort Someone Who Is Sad
Some Words Of Wisdom And Tips From Six Beautiful Movies
Image by L.E. Wilson from RedBubble
How to comfort someone? In short, do what a hug does.
In your own words, and in your own way, say:
I feel and understand your sadness. I’m here to support you and hold you up.
Then give them an actual hug if possible, and if not, let them truly know with absolute certainty that you wish you could make them feel better. In other words, let them know that you care.
Feeling emotional pain and anguish is a mourning process. It takes time to resolve, but it is a dark and scary time. Unfortunately, the person who is suffering has to go through the stages of grief on their own to finally reach acceptance and be at peace. While on this journey there may be shock, denial, guilt, and anger. It’s difficult to comfort someone who is under such turmoil, but listening to them vent while continuing to let them know that you want them to be well, that you want them to be happy—will help them heal.
Here are a few movies that beautifully and tenderly show what comforting someone can look like:
Stand By Me (1986) is a drama based on the novella by Stephen King and directed by Rob Reiner about a group of four boys: Gordie (Wil Wheaton), Chris (River Phoenix), Teddy (Corey Feldman) and Vern (Jerry O’Connell), who set out on a two day journey to find the body of a missing boy.
Life Lesson: Everyone needs someone to believe in them.
Gordie: I’m no good. My dad said it; I’m no good.
Chris: He doesn’t know you.
Gordie: He hates me.
Chris: He doesn’t hate you.
Gordie: He hates me … My dad hates me. I’m no good.
Chris: No! He just doesn’t know you … You’re gonna be a great writer someday Gordie. You might even write about us guys, if you ever get hard up for material.
Steel Magnolias (1989) is a drama directed by Herbert Ross based on the play by Robert Harling about a group of women friends in Louisiana who gather regularly at Truvy’s (Dolly Parton) beauty parlor: M’Lynn (Sally Field) and her daughter Shelby (Julia Roberts), Ouiser (Shirley MacLaine), Clairee (Olympia Dukakis) and Truvy’s assistant Annelle (Daryl Hannah).
Life Lesson: Life goes on—you can get through all disappointments.
Truvy: Well, M’Lynn, I really wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don’t. So why don’t we just focus on the joy of the situation?
Annelle: It’ll be fine.
Ouiser: Absolutely.
Clairee: You know what they say, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger”.
Muriel’s Wedding (1994) is a coming of age comedy written and directed by P.J. Hogan about Muriel (Toni Collette), a bullied social outcast that runs away from her small hometown to live in the big city with a friend who helps her accept herself and mature into a more responsible and less self-centered adult.
Life Lesson: A good friend can make all the difference in your life.
[Muriel’s friend, Rhoda (Rachel Griffiths), is diagnosed with spinal cancer, which means that she is confined to a wheelchair and may never walk again.]
Rhoda: How can you stand this? You push me around in this chair. You cook for me. You even help me dress. I hate it!
Muriel: When I lived in Porpoise Spit, I’d just stay in my room for hours and listen to ABBA songs. Sometimes I’d stay in there all day. Since I’ve met you and moved to Sydney, I haven’t listened to one ABBA song. That’s because now my life’s as good as an ABBA song. It’s as good as Dancing Queen.
The Bridges of Madison County (1995) is a drama directed by Clint Eastwood, based on the book by Robert James Waller, about a four day love affair between a National Geographic photographer, Robert Kincaid (Clint Eastwood), and an Iowa housewife, Francesca Johnson (Meryl Streep).
Life Lesson: Sometimes you have to accept things as they are, not as you wish them to be.
Francesca: It is quiet. And the people are nice. In certain ways. You know, we all help each other out. If someone gets sick or hurt, all the neighbors come in. They pick the corn or harvest the oats, or whatever needs to be done. If you go into town, you can leave your car unlocked and let the kids run around. Don’t worry about them. There are a lot of nice things about the people here. And I respect them for those qualities. But…
Robert: But?
Francesca: Well, it’s not what I dreamed of, as a girl.
Robert: You know I scribbled something down the other day. I often do that when I’m out on the road. Kind of goes like this: “The old dreams were good dreams. They didn’t work out, but I’m glad I had them.” […] Anyway, I think I know how you feel.
Contact (1997) is a drama based on the book by Carl Sagan, and directed by Robert Zemeckis, about Ellie Arroway (Jodie Foster), a SETI astronomer who discovers a coded message in a radio signal that has instructions for building a transporter.
Life Lesson: Keep searching—you are not alone.
Alien [talking to Ellie]: You’re an interesting species. An interesting mix. You’re capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone. Only you’re not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other.
Chicken Little (2005) is an animated fantasy co-written and directed by Mark Dindal about the difficulties undersized Chicken Little (Zach Braff) experiences when it looks like the sky is falling, but his father, Buck Cluck (Garry Marshall), and most in the community, do not believe him.
Life Lesson: “When all other means of communication fail, try words.”
— Anonymous
Buck Cluck: I.. I.. I didn’t realize, son. I never meant to.. The acorn, the sky, I mean the whole.. You’re right. You’re right. Your mom, she was, you know, she was always good with stuff like this. Me, I’m gonna need a lot of work. But you need to know that I love you, no matter what. And I’m sorry. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that was something you had to earn.
In sum, here are a few ways you can comfort someone:
Challenge negative thinking
Gordie: He hates me … My dad hates me. I’m no good.
Chris: No! He just doesn’t know you …
Stay positive
You know what they say, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
Remember the good times
Since I’ve met you and moved to Sydney, I haven’t listened to one ABBA song. That’s because now my life’s as good as an ABBA song.
Show that you understand
Anyway, I think I know how you feel.
Let them know you value them
The only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other.
Let them know they are loved
But you need to know that I love you, no matter what.
Eventually, we all learn to be more resilient and become better able to get through life’s difficulties faster. But before that ability is honed, it certainly would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on, a friend who will grieve with you, a loved one who will remind you of the joys and lift you up. Likewise, you can be the one who consoles someone in pain, the friend who listens and sympathizes, the family member who brings cheer and laughter, along with perspective.
In the end, we’re all on this Earth together, experiencing many of the same highs and lows. Learning how to comfort someone—including how to comfort yourself—is a way to cushion the lows.
And in case you need it, here is a virtual hug 🤗:
And here is a traditional Irish (Gaelic/Celtic) prayer for you:
May your troubles be less and your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door.
Visit the moviewise catalogue—a searchable database of one sentence movie summaries, movie quotes, and movie wisdom—for movie recommendations.
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The movie "Stand By Me" (1986) also has a great soundtrack, particularly it's theme song "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King, which has these lyrics:
"No, I won't be afraid
Oh, I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me
I won't cry, I won't cry
No, I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHa4pvspCqc
What a beautiful way to describe the many different ways to show empathy. I love the movies you chose.